


To not lose heart

by Killermanatee, Wians



Series: The road ahead [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Body Worship, Disabled Character, F/M, First time post accident, Intimacy, Kinktober, References to Depression, Sex, Smut with angst and a happy ending, body issues, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 09:21:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21072569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killermanatee/pseuds/Killermanatee, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wians/pseuds/Wians
Summary: This is a standalone to our "The Road Ahead" series, set after Chris has moved from rehab to his and Sylvia's home. Sex is the only bit of intimacy they have yet to claim back, but Chris is still uncomfortable in his skin.(day 18 of kinky Piketober 2019)





	1. Chapter 1

“What about sex?” his counselor asked fifteen minutes into their Tuesday session.

Alim Basir appeared to be a few years Chris’ senior, was incredibly tall and rather heavy-set. He had been the third counselor Chris had gone to and since he had immediately felt comfortable in the man’s company, it had been easy to send Starfleet the message that he had found the therapist to stay with. They had been meeting twice every week for two months now, and Chris had quickly realized what a big mistake it had been to not accept psychotherapy as part of his rehabilitation sooner. 

Now, Basir leaned a bit forward in his seat and said, “You've told me you and Sylvia are talking about the situation, that you feel close to her, and that sex was a big part of your relationship earlier. So why are you still reluctant to address it more directly?” 

After a total of five months in the hospital, for three of which he had been too heavily sedated to remember anything, then another two grueling months of intensive, comprehensive physical rehabilitation in Calgary, he had been overjoyed to be able to go home by the end of September. 

Home was a single-story ranch-style house, specifically equipped for his needs. Home was the salty ocean air on the coast of Vancouver Island that was supposed to make his breathing easier. Home was a refuge, a place where his daily struggles were as minimal as they could be. Home was the cold nose and soft fur of his assistance dog Abbey. 

Most of all though,  _ home _ meant living with Sylvia again. 

Long months of separation had been the norm from the day they had become involved as they had each followed their careers. It was something they’d disliked, but as a necessary evil neither of them had felt it was worth getting worked up over. They always made the best of the time they had together, in good part due to the damocles sword his vision had always presented; that reminder of how fleeting their happiness was. 

Ever since he had suffered the severe injuries that had changed everything about his life, things between him and Sylvia had been…  _ different _ . He had always expected life post-accident to be changed completely, but then the reality of what it meant to have almost died had hit him. What it meant to be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life; to require continuous medication; to have to fight for every bit of autonomy, and to accept that despite his best efforts he would always have to depend on others. 

Needless to say, sex had been the very last thing on his mind. It was hard to contemplate intimacy while he struggled to manage his bowel movements. 

Sylvia had been his rock. She had been his supporter, coach and sometimes his carer. She had put her life on hold, had inquired about every treatment, spent hours learning medical jargon, had read through research and publications. She had overseen the construction of their new home, ensuring it met all the specifics to meet his needs. She had held his hand on good days, and wiped his ass on the worst. She had not complained once. And her selflessness had broken his heart. 

None of it changed the fact they they were together and at least for his part he was still very much in love and definitely also wanted her. When he gave that exact answer, doctor Basir crossed his legs in that way that told Chris he was about to hear an unpleasant truth. 

“You know that’s not an answer to my question.” The counselor’s voice was as calm as usual, as he looked at Chris. “You also know I won’t force a topic of conversation on you. We take this wherever you want it to go. But, I can tell you that this is something you will have to confront sooner or later. And it won’t become any easier with the passing of time.”

The words hung between them for a moment while Chris replayed the very clinical explanations he’d received from his various doctors and therapists in the months prior. There had been talk about permanent spinal cord damage, discussions of grafting artificial nerves, and options for medication. He had learned about the difference between psychogenic, reflexogenic and spontaneous erections and what each of them meant to his chances of a continuing sex-life. 

Sylvia had been present for many of these conversations. After everything she had seen and heard about his condition, he had been numb to any lack of privacy. His body had been examined and touched by so many people at this point, it had barely felt like his own.

He was fully aware of the exact medical facts. If anything, there had been too much talk about his reproductive organs, but he had yet to face his sexuality from a personal and thus much more intimate angle. 

\-----

_ “Come in, Lieutenant,” he orders in his sharpest Captain’s voice. _

_ He can see that for a moment, she’s worried she’s managed to anger him, but the grin he can’t hold back when she steps into his ready room betrays him for a moment. _

_ Then the mask of the stern Captain falls back on, he loosens his collar and leans back, “Computer, activate privacy protocol!” _

_ They both wait until the computer confirms the order, and she is standing at perfect attention as he watches her intensely. “Flirting with your Captain while on duty? Lieutenant, that is a grave offense!” He looks for the slightest sign of discomfort in her posture, on her face and finds only playfulness.  _

_ “I’m sorry, sir!” She doesn’t sound remotely sorry. _

_ He comes around to face her, pulling her close and she is there to meet him when he tips his head to kiss her. He’d very much like to do much more, but they are still on duty.  _

_ The kiss is passionate and heated, deep. _

_ “You don’t leave me with much initiative to stop teasing you,” she smirks as they come up for air. _

\-----

“I…” he started and paused. Finding the right words was incredibly difficult. “I would obviously still want sex to be a part of our marriage.” Once again he paused. 

Admitting that he still wanted sex was one thing, expressing the disgust he felt when he considered his body turned out to be an entirely different beast. 

It wasn’t that he’d been overly vain - he had certainly never thought of himself that way - but he had always taken good care of his fitness, had exercised more than he was required to, and had enjoyed flirting. 

Most of all - he now realized - he had been confident in his own skin. He had been comfortable being touched and had loved pressing his bare skin against Sylvia’s. 

Now, his body was a mess of scars. He still struggled to regain the definition of his arms and torso, constantly battling nerve-damage that never stopped hurting. His legs were thin and useless, reduced to a nuisance he had to look after. There was nothing about his body that made him think of himself in any sexual way. Needless to say, it was ludicrous to assume Sylvia would feel differently. 

He hated the insecurity that he had become so accustomed to, hated how it sped up his pulse and constricted his chest. Taking a deep breath, he bent over to pet his dog’s head, the familiar soft warmth of her fur calming his nerves.

“Have you tried talking to Sylvia about resuming your sex life?” Basir inquired, tearing Chris from his bleak thoughts. 

“Not directly. She is aware of my physical condition.” The words ‘impotence’ and ‘erectile dysfunction’ still refused to cross Chris’ lips. It was pure petulance; the irrational thought that if he didn’t acknowledge it, it wasn’t real.

It didn’t change that he missed their intimacy terribly. 

Basir leaned forward. “Being aware of the medical diagnosis is very different from getting back something that used to be part of your relationship before the accident.” Basir took a breath and watched Chris carefully. “We have talked about the lack of control you feel and maybe this is another factor. Exploring the ways in which you are still able to experience and bring pleasure could be a step for you to regain your sense of control.”

Chris contemplated the statement, and as usual had the uncanny sensation that Basir had much deeper insights than Chris was comfortable with. 

If sex was the thing that was currently missing between him and Syl, how could he even begin to work on it? Would she even want to touch him, or be touched by him? What would their sex life even be without… well, actual sex. 

“I miss it,” he confessed finally, “but there’s no reason she should want me.” He really tried to make it sound like it didn’t ache to the bone to say it aloud.

“Has she said that?”

Chris almost laughed at the absurdity of the suggestion. “Of course not.”

“Have you had reason to question her sincerity in the past?”

“Absolutely not,” Chris smiled. “If anything you could call her honest to a fault.”

Basir tilted his head and gave Chris a curious look. “So what makes you think she would be dishonest with you?”

The question completely stumped Chris. He had been so certain that Sylvia couldn’t possibly feel any different about his body than he did himself, that it hadn’t occurred to him she had never once said so. 

“Nothing… I just? don’t know how to get past this,” he confessed.

“You’ll have to work together, continue being honest with each other, talk about what you want.”

Basir was making a very good point, Chris knew, and he had only benefited from following his advice until now. But, to have this honest conversation with Sylvia scared the living shit out of him. It required him to be completely open about something very personal and he was painfully aware of the risk that required him to take. There were too many scenarios his mind could create of what this conversation could lead to, of how they’d both react. 

Nevertheless, he knew Basir was right, and it would not be the first time he would go into something despite his fears.

________________________________________________

Their conversation echoed in his mind for the rest of the day. Even as he watched Abbey chase after the ball he kept throwing for her, he had a hard time focusing on his dog. He found himself not just worried about what to say to Sylvia, but also kept thinking how a sex life would even work for them now, and contemplating what they could still explore, how he could still pleasure her was truly distracting. 

When he and the dog came back inside and he went to help set the table, he found his eyes drifting over Sylvia’s body. She had showered and changed since she got home, and was wearing faded jeans and a t-shirt, but he still noticed how good her ass looked, and when she bend over the table to put the plates down, her neckline was a bit low in the old shirt, exposing a few inches of her breasts. His need to put his mouth there, to slide his hands around to feel her ass was almost overwhelming.

He smiled, allowing the thought to grow and his gaze to linger for a moment before following her out into the kitchen. 

If Sylvia noticed his preoccupation, she didn’t say anything while they ate dinner. 

She told him about her day at headquarters in San Francisco, talking about her meeting with Paul Stamets and Chris tried his best to follow her excited account but found himself utterly distracted by flush in her cheeks and animated gestures. She was so breathtakingly alive as she described the potential of their research, using vocabulary he had yet to learn, that he was too mesmerized to interrupt her and ask for explanations. 

Eventually, she caught him and called him out on being distracted, her voice teasing as she got up to clean off the table. 

“You can be very distracting,” he replied with a wink. She gave him a quizzical look, then shook her head and he could feel her smirk when she kissed his forehead. 

They moved to the couch, settling down to watch a holovid, a newfound evening routine Chris was yet trying to get used to. As much effort as it was to get out of the wheelchair, it was worth the struggle if it meant he could recline in the soft cushions while Sylvia rested her head on his thighs. Abbey was on her pillow next to him, snoring every now and then. 

Maybe they hadn’t yet fully adjusted to these lazy times together, but he was starting to see their perks. 

He brushed Sylvia’s hair behind her ear, his fingers trailing over her soft cheek. She was by far more captivating than the flickering screen and he focused on the faint sensation of her fingers curling behind his knee, watched the response on her face to the action in the holo. His eyes followed the line of her shoulder, the dip of her waist and curve of her hip. A small line of skin was visible where her shirt had ridden up and his throat went dry with the sudden, sharp need to see much more of her. 

He cleared his throat. “Syl?”

“Mhm?” 

He could feel his pulse speed up. “Would you mind pausing this?”

Her response came immediately. “Computer, pause playback.”

She turned on the sofa so she could look at him, brow furrowed. 

“Uhm.. I’ve been thinking.” Now that he had said something, his mouth felt dry as he looked into Sylvia’s questioning eyes. He inhaled and as calmly as possible asked “What about sex? Is it something you’d be interested in?” 

\-----

_ “Someone could hear us!” Her laughter betrays her mock-complaint as she lets him press her up against the wall of the Jefferies tube. _

_ “It’s been a damn long, boring shift.” His kiss is hungry. “And you look so very,  _ very _ good today.” _

_ She kisses him back just as eagerly, already pulling at his jacket so she can touch his bare chest underneath, hooking a leg up his hip. It makes the skirt of her uniform ride up. He’s sure she’s only wearing it to tease him, especially since she’s been on the bridge all day so he could watch her. But now that they’re off duty, he’s done behaving. Why would he possibly want to behave when he can so easily get his fingers up her thigh, caressing her through the stockings?  _

_ “We just have to be quiet…” He toys with the seam of her underwear.  _

_ “You? That’s a tall order ,” she teases right back, but rolls her hips against his fingers, and drags her hands down his chest, determinedly reaching for the fastenings of his uniform pants. _

\-----

Sylvia seemed confused by his question and he instantly opened his mouth to add to it. 

“Sorry, obviously we don’t have to, I just…”

“Chris,” she interrupted him, “stop. Of course I’m interested.” She swung her feet to the floor, sitting up next to him, their thighs touching. “I just haven’t brought it up because I-,” she paused and her cheeks flushed slightly, “-I didn’t know how, honestly.” She looked a bit guilty, and he felt a stab of shame.

Tensing his jaw he pushed his reservations aside. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want me. Not now that...”

Her hand on his cheek interrupted him. “Don’t you ever think that.” The force of her words and sincerity in her eyes surprised him. “I do want you, Chris, very much.” She took a deep breath.”Yes, things are very different then before and-” she paused again, eyes darting over his face and then her lip quirked up. “But there is nothing that could make me not want you.” 

The fast beat of his heart was ringing in his ears along with her emotional words. He leaned his forehead against hers. “I don’t know how to do this anymore,” he confessed quietly, glad to feel her hand on his nape, anchoring him. 

Her words were soft against his lips. “Then let’s do this like everything else: together.” 


	2. Chapter 2

They’d moved to the bedroom. It was a good day, so Chris was able to maneuver himself from the couch into the chair and from there onto the bed without too many issues. It still annoyed him that there was an icy nervousness curling in his stomach as he made himself comfortable against the pillows. Breathing deep into his belly, he tensed and relaxed his hands, which alleviated some of the anxiety. 

Despite knowing that Sylvia was aware he most likely wouldn’t be able to get an erection, he still couldn’t shake the sense of expectation and potential for humiliation. Even though he rationally understood the issue of having come to view his body as a medical problem and as a source of pain and dissatisfaction, it didn’t help. 

Maybe Sylvia could see how tense he was, or read the worries on his face, but she sat down on the bed and gently took his hand. “Hey, you still with me? ”

Looking up at her, he tried his best to return her sweet smile. "I think I'm just nervous," he confessed, and it was equal parts of relief and embarrassment to say it out loud. 

"Yeah, me too." She stroked her thumb across his knuckles. "But, this is just you and me." She traced his wedding band. "Let's take it slow. We have all the time we want."

In this life that was _ after _, where everything moved at a snail's pace, maybe this was the one benefit: they were finally free of the time limit they'd always had. The tightness in his chest loosened at that realisation. 

"All the time we want," he echoed.

She untied her hair and let it fall down over her shoulders. “Yes.” 

With determined features, she straddled him. Her hands came up to his collar, her fingers slowly working free the buttons. She had undressed him more times than he cared to recall since his accident, but this felt entirely different. Gone were the efficient movements, replaced with gentle playfulness. He placed his hands on her hips, and was comforted by the familiarity at which he instantly molded himself to her. The nerve damage dulled the sensation of her weight on his thighs, but he still felt her body heat spread through him, warm and pleasant. 

Her fingers lightly traced the skin she was exposing. "I get to have so much more time with you, and I won't waste any of it."

Chris ran his hands down and back up her thighs with such ease it almost seemed absurd that he’d been nervous. This was Sylvia after all, his wife of over seven years, and lover for almost ten. Nobody knew him as well as she did and he prided himself on knowing her just as well. 

\-----

_ She moans, arching her back as he nips, kisses and licks all the way down her body. Knowing exactly where all her sweet spots are, he makes sure to lavish them with attention; the dip just above her collarbone, the delicate undersides of her breasts, right below her belly button. She raises her pelvis to meet his mouth and he willingly plants long, firm licks against her clit, pins her down with an arm across her abdomen, driving her to ecstasy with just his mouth. Her legs tight around his head, he is spurred on by her tensing body, feeling drunk on this power he has over her, to make her moan and shake. Her need for orgasms becomes his own, making him crave her climax. _

_ Finally she falls apart with a loud wail, and she thrashes, her heels digging into his back, and he doesn't know if he’s ever felt better. _

_ Sex when they were a new couple was exciting and fun, but after two years, the knowledge they have of each other is deeper, the connection providing them with a much more satisfying sense of intimacy. _

\-----

His shirt was peeled off and she gently caressed down his sides. He leaned into the touch, craving more of it - more of her - as she continued down to his hip, the sensation becoming more and more faint as her touch travelled to the waistband of his pants. 

“How is this? Okay?”

He looked down to her delicate fingers, watched her slide the pads of her fingertips across his mangled skin and through the sparse trail of hair leading down from his navel. It was strange to know what he_ should _ be feeling, to see what she was doing when the sensation was so different than before. But, despite being dulled it was still incredibly erotic. 

“Yeah, it feels a little weird, but good.” His cheeks warmed at the confession. He grinned. “This reminds me of being significantly younger and having to be very quiet in the back of the barn.”

Sylvia hummed at that, her fingers still moving over his abdomen. “I kinda like that idea. Although I’ve seen pictures of teenage you and very much prefer this version.” Eyebrow raised and eyes sparkling, she leaned in for a kiss.

When she sat back again, he couldn’t stop the next words. “I don’t know, that younger version was a lot more… functional.” He tried to make it sound humorous but her frown made it very apparent that he had instead gone directly to self-deprecating. 

It wasn’t hard to tell that he’d said the wrong thing. Her fingers stilled and her entire posture shifted to confrontational. _ Damn it._

She huffed. “Why would you, even for a second, think that would matter to me?” 

“Syl,” he tried gently, his thumbs drawing circles on her thighs in hopes to calm her, “it was a joke, just ignore it.”

He watched as she took a deep breath and rubbed a hand over her face. When her eyes found his again, he was struck by the sadness that had replaced the spark from just moments ago. 

“But that’s just it. You’re _ not _ joking. You actually still think I’d prefer something else over what we have right here. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair of you to keep pushing that on me.” 

He hated the raw emotion on her face, the shimmer in the corner of her eye and he hated that he had been the reason for her to be this upset. Mostly he hated that he’d gone straight back to a place he had hoped to have left behind.

_ Honesty _ , he reminded himself. _ When in doubt, go with honesty _. 

“I am so, so very sorry I said that. It was thoughtless.” He took her hands in his, rubbing her knuckles. “I am projecting my insecurities onto you and I know it’s not fair and I hate how much that hurts you.”

“Why is it so hard for you to accept that I am here with you because I absolutely want to be? It makes me so sad that you can’t see that.” Her fingers curled around his and he took it as a positive sign. 

“I wish I could just be better, and stop thinking about everything I’ve lost. Sometimes it seems like all I can see is how much I can’t do anymore.” He saw her open her mouth but stopped her. “No, I know what you want to say, and believe me, I am really working on seeing what’s good. Because there’s so much I’m thankful for. But just because I am rationally aware of it doesn’t mean it _ feels _ right. Does that make sense?” 

She nodded and so he went on, feeling like maybe this was his one chance to just let the words flow out. “Some days the depression is harder to cope with than others. And then all I see is that you are stuck with this old, broken guy and had to give up on your whole life for something you never asked for.” His throat hurt from saying it out loud, his chest felt tight but at the same time it was a relief to give shape to his fears. “And then I assume you feel the same and I say things that hurt you and I hope you know how very, very sorry I am about that.”

He had always assumed it would be difficult to say these things to her directly, but now that he saw her face, shining with the same love and understanding he associated more with her than anything else, his worries suddenly seemed downright idiotic. 

“I am getting better. And I want to keep getting better. Right now, right here, I am so happy to be with you.” He sighed. “You’ve already done so much, but think you have a little bit more patience left?”

Finally she smiled, sadness still clinging to the corners of her mouth, but it was a smile nonetheless. “Don’t think ‘a little bit’ is going to cover it with you.”

He grinned apologetically, but knew better than to argue the point and instead kissed her fingers, still holding her gaze. He watched carefully as she relaxed, her features softening once again. 

“You silly man. You really have no idea how beautiful you still are.”

She pulled her hands from his, but before he could protest her lips were back against his, sweet and gentle. Her fingers wound into his hair, stroked his neck and the last tension between them drained away. 

It was so easy to allow his hands to wander while they lazily explored each other’s mouths. Her tongue traced his lower lip, emboldened him to slip his hands under her shirt to span her back. Feeling her silky skin was intoxicating, and made him feel light-headed. Suddenly, every article of clothing between them seemed too much. The fabric was too rough, too restricting, keeping them apart when all he wanted was to feel her as close as possible. 

He pushed her shirt up, forcing them to end the kiss on a shared regretful moan, but it was so very much worth it when he tossed the garment aside. He made equally quick work of her bra and she whimpered, _ actually whimpered _, when he cupped her bare breasts. 

\-----

_ He probably should not distract the woman with the large knife, but he just can’t help himself. She is such a vision, dressed in nothing but an old-fashioned apron that shows exactly how much she is _ not _ wearing, standing at the counter, slicing up fruit. _

_ His hand easily slides under the fabric onto her soft belly, and for a moment he is torn as to which direction his attention should wander. Good thing both of his hands are free. He stands close enough behind her to let her know how much of an effect her state of undress is having on him, and how he is very much on board with her idea to consider getting dressed entirely optional. _

_ “Careful there, don’t think you’d want me to cut something that isn’t breakfast,” she chastises though her voice is noticeably breathy. _

_ “Hmm,” he hums against her shoulder, one hand moving up to to cup a breast, the other sliding down between her thighs. He grins when she gasps in response and arches into his touch. “Don’t mind me. I’m just here to make sure you bring the fruit back to bed.” _

\-----

“Yes,” she wheezed, “please touch me.” And then more quietly, “missed you so much.”

Pushing aside the sting he felt at her confession, he decided to instead pour his response into his touch. He let himself be lost in their shared caress, the warmth of her body and her closeness, having her naked chest up against his own. He stroked her back, feeling her familiar body under his fingertips. He curved the caress down against her side, up again to her shoulder, gently across the skin of her breast and felt her exhale deeply in pleasure, reciprocating the touches. 

Sylvia leaned up and kissed just behind his ear, nipping and licking. Attention to this sensitive spot had always aroused him, but now the tip of her tongue sent sparks through him and made his nerves come alive. He groaned, unable to restrain the desperate noise. 

“Does it feel good?” Sylvia whispered softly, the breath of her words adding another layer of sensation, sending waves of heated pleasure through him. 

All he could do was hum in affirmation, dimly aware that her pelvis rocked against him, held by his hands. He craned his neck unabashedly prompting for more, nerves zinging with pleasure rather than pain, even if it was strange to not feel a response below his waist.

She hummed against his skin, gently bit his earlobe and he actually gasped out loud. 

“Sorry,” she immediately apologized. “Too much?”

His needy grunt wasn’t the most eloquent answer but it made her laugh and then she sucked on his sensitive skin again as his fingers dug into hips. She dragged her tongue along the shell of his ear, slowly tracing the arch and then made him cry out when her slick, hot tongue dipped into his ear. 

The sensations were beyond intense, his head swam with pleasure and just feeling _ so damn good _ . Somewhere in the depth of the fog he realized he wanted the same for her, not just to return the favour, but he _ needed _ Sylvia to feel just as good as she made him feel. 

His hands slid up her sides, thumbs rubbing the undersides of her breasts before moving higher and he loved the gasp she made against his neck when he circled her nipples. 

She nipped gently on his neck, and soothed the skin with an open-mouthed kiss, shifting on the bed and dragging her mouth down over his collarbone. “I want to kiss you all over.”

Affection and want swelled within him as she made her way down his torso, her lips and tongue leisurely exploring. Only a few, short hairs had come back on his chest, but she still rubbed her nose against them, tickling him. His short laugh turned into an exhale of pleasure as she kissed his sternum as if she didn’t notice that his skin was scarred and discolored.

“That okay with you?” She looked up, teasing, affectionate.

“Yeah…” He reached out and traced her hair between his fingers, and she groaned in delight at the caress to her nape. 

She moved to kneel between his legs and the sight of her, shirtless and flushed, undoing the button of his pants to carefully lower the zipper, was like something out of the world. She playfully bit her lower lip and looked up at him, but her fingers stopped moving. 

“Promise me you’ll tell me if something isn’t working for you.”

The thought of his thin, useless legs, of his equally useless cock, flashed through his mind, to form a moment of worry as to what she’d think of him. Then he just as forcefully pushed the thought aside. This was exactly what he was not supposed to be thinking about. 

“I will if you’ll do the same,” he instead replied, sincerely. 

She inclined her head, and he held still as she watched him for a quiet moment before she leaned in once again for a soft kiss. 

“Let’s get naked,” she whispered against his lips, voice full of naughty playfulness. 

He helped her to get the last of his clothes off, and then watched enraptured as she stood next to the bed to slowly peel down her own pants, taking her time to run her hands over her torso, up to her breasts. She tweaked her nipples and he groaned at the sight. 

Based more out of reflex than conscious thought, he reached for his cock. Even if he wasn’t hard and the nerve damage dampened the sensation significantly, it still felt good to grasp himself; to feel the firm touch of his hand entirely for pleasure and not out of necessity. 

\-----

_ He backs her up against the wall, hands cupping her face, deepening the kiss, and she nips at his lips and sucks on his tongue. Her hands run up and down his back, then firmly grab his butt and he can feel her grin against his jaw. _

_ With nimble fingers she undoes the buttons on his pants, and his breath hitches against her mouth when she confidently grabs his hard cock. He can't help but buck against her, groaning into the kiss. _

_ His left hand slides down along her neck, pushes down her dress and bra to cup her breast. God, he wants her. Fiercely, desperately. _

_ “Turn around.” The words come out rougher than he intended but her eyes spark and she groans. _

_ “Yes.” She is already turning, pulling up her dress to her waist before she braces herself on the wall. _

_ His hands trembling with want, he pulls down her panties, leaving them around her knees with no time for anything else as his fingers already glide through her slick heat. She arches her back and that’s what breaks the last bit of his restraint, leaving nothing but the searing need to sink into her. _

_ \----- _

Sylvia’s lips parted as she watched him and her reaction sent a jolt of confidence through him. Maybe they could still do this. Maybe this didn’t have to be difficult after all. 

“I thought we were getting naked,” he teased, nodding his head towards her underwear.

With a slow twist, she turned around and Chris groaned when she hooked her thumbs into her panties and bent sinfully to drag them down her legs. He’d always loved to undress her, but watching her put herself on display was such a decadent pleasure. Suddenly all the months of not indulging like this seemed so utterly wasted. How could he have been so wrapped up in self-pity when this beautiful, sensual woman had been right beside him the entire time? 

“Come here,” he requested, his voice somewhere between commanding and pleading.

She straightened and walked to the foot of the bed. Having her scrutinize his nude body had the potential for awkwardness but he found himself too preoccupied with drinking her in and feeling like he was finally seeing her again. 

Just like before, she knelt between his legs. The position left him utterly exposed, but also had an intense eroticism to it. 

His hand was still on his soft cock, his thumb sliding over the head. Sylvia looked down and her pink tongue slipped out to wet her lips. “I love watching you touch yourself.”

He swallowed down any comment about how there wasn’t much to see these days, and instead allowed himself to accept her statement as truth. 

“Is that what you want? To watch me?” His voice seemed lower, raspier.

She closed the space between them when she leaned in. “No, I want to have my way with you.” She slid her hands over his legs and kissed him, taking control over the kiss, deepening it. She grinned when his breath hitched slightly as she nipped his lip.

Continuing their game of teasing kisses mixed with electrifying touches of tongues, her hand ran up to cover his on his cock, and he let her take over, feeling the faint pressure of her skillful fingers dancing over the skin and then her thumb dragging over the head. 

He took the chance to put his hands back on her hips, the sensation of her bare skin equally grounding and freeing him. His hands ran along her strong thighs, up to the curve of her ass, making her shiver and causing the rhythm of her hand to falter. 

“You feel so damn good,” he mumbled between kisses, nipping at her chin, licking along her jawline. 

“So do you,” she moaned and gently pushed him back so he was resting against the padded headboard. 

She dragged her lips down past his neck, over his torso and as she slowly moved out of reach, his hands trailed up her body, brushing aside her hair to grant him an unrestricted view. He greedily took in the curve of her back and the swell of her ass as she moved lower, setting his body on fire. Only when her lips were below his navel did he look back at his own body. 

One confident hand encircled the base of his cock when she licked a strip to the head and he moaned in pleasure even as he remained soft in her hand. Her free hand was firm on his scarred abdomen, a warm pressure that sent pleasure running down his spine and lighting up his nerves.

She licked him root to tip, sending him a glance from under her lashes, the sight and sound so erotic that he bit his lip and held back another moan 

She grinned and repeated the slow, sensuous lick.

Though his cock remained unresponsive, the want rolling through him was real.

\-----

_ Her wet, hot mouth on his cock is all he can think about, thankful he is sitting in his chair, pants down by his feet, gaze transfixed on her kneeling between his legs. _

_ She looks up, a glint in her eyes, and takes him in fully. _

_ He whimpers when she slurps around his cock, feels like he is about to burst from the firecrackers lighting up inside him, from the way she has complete control over him, even while she is in his office. _

_ He leans back, grabs the armrests of his chair and loses himself completely in the sensation, not caring if he’s shouting loud enough for the whole damn ship to hear. _

\----- 

She kissed her way up his torso again, lingering at his hip, his navel, both his nipples until she finally kissed him deeply on the mouth.

He stroked a hand down her cheek brushing around to her neck to keep her close, still hungry for more, never getting enough of her. As she leaned against him, he moved the other hand to her hip, stroking inwards towards her groin but still reluctant to keep going. He gently pulled back from their kiss. 

“Would you like me to get you off?” he whispered, trying to beat down the voice inside of him insisting that he wouldn’t be able to, that she wouldn’t want his fingers or mouth on her like that anymore.

“You don’t have to.”

An icy stab went through his guts. He really tried not to hear _ I don’t want you, you don’t turn me on, _but it was to no avail. The tension that she’d just gotten rid off was seeping back in. He breathed out and tried to relax, failing this time.

_ This will not get better unless you talk about it _ he heard his therapist say. 

“Chris?” she moved back a few inches to look at him.

He hated how hard it was to just speak his mind. This was Sylvia, for God’s sake, and she’d just _ shown _ him that she wanted him. But, his stomach was curling uncomfortably nevertheless. 

“I know I don’t have to, but you telling me that feels like a polite turn-down.” He rubbed a hand through his hair. “It’s fine if you’re not in the mood, but that makes me feel - and I know it’s not your fault - like you don’t want me to touch you like that.”

“Okay,” she said, shoulders sagging a bit, looking like she was fighting not to feel too wounded herself, a little bit of strain on her voice. “I didn’t mean that, Chris.”

“I know,” he said quietly, unsure how to continue without hurting her feelings, and wishing he could just swallow his previous words.

“What should I say instead?” she asked, moving closer and taking his hand, brushing his knuckles. “What would help you?”

“Just don’t tell me I don’t _ have _ to, I know... I _ want _ to.” There was no bite in his voice despite the bluntness of the words. 

“Okay,” she said, pausing a moment and a fine line appeared between her brows, the one that he had lovingly called her ‘thinking-indicator’ in the past. “Okay, it’s... this is new to me too, I am afraid of pressuring you… of you thinking I have expectations you can’t live up to.”

“You’re not,” he said, moving his hand to her thigh again. “Just because I can’t, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get off.” He traced shapes up along her thigh, felt the muscle twist when he found a ticklish spot. “And I very much love to watch you come.” He watched her pupils dilate, noticed the blush on her cheeks deepen. “Would that be ok with you?”

To his relief and pleasure, he saw the want in her eyes. “That would be so much more than okay.” 

Together they adjusted his legs so she could straddle him again, bringing her sex to rest right above his. There was only space for a second of regret at his condition before Chris ran his hand up the warm skin on her inner thigh, anticipation surging through him. 

He trailed his mouth over her jaw to the spot on her neck that made her shudder in bliss, and felt her warm breath quiver against his skin as he kissed her there, then licked, making her moan. 

Sylvia leaned into him, a hand in his hair, her breasts against his torso, exhaling in pleasure and shifting so he could get better access.

When he finally dipped a finger in between her labia and caressed her clit, he was delighted to feel how wet she was. The sensation sent him almost to auto-pilot, reminding him of everything she liked, every way to drive her mad in the best possible way. 

She tightened her legs around him briefly. “Yes, right there.” Her breath was hot on his ear, and she kissed it briefly. “So good. Please more.” She licked the shell of his ear, causing his body to twitch with arousal, bringing his cock in contact with her wet heat. It was almost like an electric shock when she cried out and rolled her hips against his, pressing down on his hand.

Chris firmed the caresses and she dropped her head onto his shoulder, her breath coming in quick bursts. He closed his eyes and focussed on her naked body and her sounds of pleasure as he kept stroking her. Sinking one finger in her slick channel made her small moans turn longer, deeper, coaxing him to place his thumb on her clit. 

It was utterly elating to know he was the reason for her to shudder and groan. He used his free hand to gently push her back, giving him the space to lick along her neck, making her rise up until he could bring a breast to his mouth, sucking hard. She pushed out her chest, rolled her hips against him and a nearly incoherent litany of “yes, please, more” fell from her lips. 

\-----

_ “You’re not the Captain tonight, ” she purrs as she pushes him down onto the bed and straddles him before he can catch his breath, her thighs firm around him. The kiss is hard, demanding. “Tonight, I give the orders. Got that?” _

_ “Yes...” It’s lost in a moan as she takes him in hand a little roughly, but it is fucking sexy, the way she takes control, strokes him to full hardness. Rising up higher, she drags his cock through her dripping heat, and watching her use his body for her pleasure is the single hottest thing he’s ever seen. _

_ He is squirming with want by the time she finally sinks down in one excruciatingly slow motion, all the way to the hilt. She rides him like there’s no tomorrow, and he can’t get enough of watching her bounce up and down, of being able to touch her breasts once given permission and moaning for her to please never stop. _

\-----

Continuing to rub circles onto her clit, he listened to her moaning and panting for more, waiting for the indicator in the pitch of her voice that she was close. He did his best to maintain a steady rhythm in sync with her thrusting hips. She was so slick and tight when he gently added a second finger, feeling her pulse around him. 

Sylvia gasped and whimpered under his ministrations. “Just like that, Chris, so good, please, don’t stop!”

It was like being intoxicated, he felt high on what he was doing to her, knowing it was in his power to nudge her over the edge. He sucked a nipple between his lips, his free hand busy on her other breast, making her cry, loud and desperate.

She tightened around him, muscles rippling, shivers running through her body and she moaned her release into his hair, gasping for breath. 

His fingers were starting to cramp, but he was damned if he would stop before she begged him to. He dragged out her orgasm, slowing his movements only a fraction at a time, feeling every aftershock like it was his. Very slowly he let her come down, only stopping when she collapsed against him, trapping his hand between their bodies. 

Her arms hanging at her side she appeared entirely boneless as she sagged against him. Carefully he extracted his hand, wiping it on the sheets before he wrapped his arms around her. 

“You good?” he asked quietly. “Or, do you want more?”

Sluggishly she turned her head until she buried her face in his neck, kissing him before she spoke lazily. “I’m good. So, so much better than good.”

He grinned and curved his hand to the back of her skull, burying his fingers in her hair, holding her close, breathing her in. Her arms came up, one finding its way around his lower back, the other moving up to his nape. 

They stayed like that for a while, bodies slowly cooling, tightly wrapped around each other until Sylvia hummed, a sound that reverberated through him. 

“Let’s stay like this,” she mumbled, words sounding drowsy, “just right here, all warm and comfy.”

Chris laughed and kissed her shoulder. “Maybe we can at least get under the blankets.”

Sylvia made a truly adorable petulant noise at that, but slowly sat back without letting go of the back of his head. Her eyes were still a little glazed over, hair was stuck to her face and Chris felt almost short of breath with the extend of emotion he felt for her. 

Fingers lightly toying with his hair she smiled at him. “I missed you.”

He managed to smile despite the lump in his throat. “I missed you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much [Miss_Mil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Mil/works) for seriously fast betaing!!
> 
> We've followed [this](https://vexy-sins.tumblr.com/post/187147986243/kinktober-2019-prompt-list) lovely list of Kinktober prompts.


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